reminiscing.

I don’t know what to say.
I am sad.
I don’t like reminiscing.
Were you evil? Was it wrong?
Or did I have to make it all up in my head to justify what I willingly chose to give to you.
Could it be possible that everything that I saved, everything I wanted to be, I gave to you?
Willingly.
I wanted you. What happened and where did you go?
I don’t think I want you.
Edge of desire. It just doesn’t do the same thing to me like it used to.
I wanted to escape. Clearly.
What am I trying to escape from?
Being okay?
Blue skies are coming. But I know that its hard.
Okay, is that what I should be taking from all of this?
For some reason, I keep lugging you around with me.
The good, the bad, my fault or yours, I carry it. Deep within me and as an integral part of me.
Like, you can’t know me if you don’t know us, that, whatever it was.
And, I can’t truly know myself if I don’t admit and f ace the fact that, I loved you.
But, is that truth?
Why don’t I let it go. My sin. My mistakes. My messups.
Its like, those are my excuses not be great.
Well, I can’t go and do that or be that because if you only really knew me and what I carry around in these filthy hands, you too would know that I have no place there, doing that.
Doing what? Loving people? I have no place loving people? Well… do I know I am loved?
I believe I do know that. So why don’t I live that? If I accept that, then I have to come to terms with the fact that there is nothing I can do- its not me, the fact that I am okay. I can’t do it on my own. And I think I hate that. In fact I think I resent it. I don’t know why.
I am very prideful.
I want to save myself. I want to do it on my own and be able to present to him a clean and whole and good heart and be like, yes, well of course He loves me, I worked my ass off and have sacrificed a lot to be where I am at.
But, that’s not how it works.
He loves me. He loves my heart. He told me, when he forgives, he forgets, as if none of that is apart of us, yet we walk around here like our sin in carved into our hearts permanently. So much so that it even affects the way our heart beats.
My past, my sin, is not who I am. It is all apart of writing our story, but, this isn’t my story to tell. I am one part of Jesus’s story. And the only part of this life that matters in that story.. is my heart.
Create in me a heart that’s clean. I can’t have relationship with God without him. I need his grace to even be in relationship with Him. Surely you desire truth in the inner parts, you teach me wisdom in the inmost place.
Cleanse me with hyssop, and I will be clean.
Wash me, and I will be whiter than snow.
I have to give it all to Him. I can’t save myself. I have to let go of the pain and the hurt and the mistakes. They aren’t mine to carry. I don’t have to have those to be me.
Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me. Do not cast me from your presence or take your Holy spirit from me. Restore to me the joy of your salvation and grant me a willing spirit to sustain me.
O Lord, open my lips and my mouth will declare your praise.
The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit, a broken and contrite heart. O God, you will not despise.
I must come to you broken and contrite. All of my heart, not just the parts of me that I can stand to see go. But all of me. I can’t even come to you… without you. I need you. I want you. My soul needs you. My soul was made to love you and know you and be in true relationship with you. That’s why the world doesn’t work when it is not in your hands.
Dear Lord, I pray You would take my soul in your hands and lift my hands to sing your praise. So that my heart may know you and my knees may kneel before you. For it is you that this life was created for and I pray you may take this life in your hands and hold it forever with you. Because I am yours and I want to be captivated by You. Captivate my heart, O Lord, and lead me forever to You. For my soul wants to awaken, and my heart to arise… for it has met its maker, and longs only for Your touch.
Be with me and give my feet the joy to dance in Your presence.
Forever Yours.
I forever will be and always have been, your girl.
That’s all I am.
Yours.